Jewish Jokes :Jewish jokes is a long tradition of humour dating back to torah and the midrash from the ancient middle east.But refers to the recent stream of Ashkenazi Jewery which took root in united states over last hundred years.
Jewish humour emerged during the nineteenth century and flourished In twenthieth centurywhen millions of jews immigrated to america.jewish humour favors irony,satire and word play.jewish humour is various types which include religious,self-hating,assimilation,wits and so on.jokes makes us laugh louder and forget all our worries and makes us afresh.we will gain new energy.these jokes can be enjoyed by one and all.After all laughter is the best medicine.Enjoy the jokes.
Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain. “Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”
Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”
Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”
Q.How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb?
A:Four–one to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.
My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any!
Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strols in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to visit.”
“But why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”
A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall, and whistles?”
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: a white fish.
“A white fish?” people said. “A white fish isn’t purple.”
“Nu,” replied the jokester, “this white fish was painted purple.”
“But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?”
“Aha! But this white fish was hung on the wall.”
“But a white fish doesn’t whistle,” somebody shouted.
“Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”
The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”
Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
“Yitzhak,” asked Moshe, “Are there any Jews in China?”
“I don’t know,” Yitzhak replied. “Why don’t you ask the waiter? I’d be surprised
if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Moshe asked.
Jewish Comedy Club
“I ask everyone,” the waiter replied. “We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!”
At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger was say a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“Then why are you crying?”
I’ve been married for thirty-four years and I’m still in love with the same
woman. If my wife ever finds out, I’ll be in big trouble!
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: “I can do better than this.”
Q: Who, in history, had the very first motorcycle?
A: Moses – the roar of his triumph could be heard all over Israel.
Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.
“Noah,” says the Lord, “for the next flood, I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp, in glass tanks.”
“And this time,” says the Lord, “think big, Eight decks at least.”
“I got you,” says Noah, “what you want is a multi-storey carp ark.”
A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. “Excuse me,” she said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” she asked?
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the woman.” You don’t look Jewish.”
In a small village in the Poland, a terrifying rumor was spreading: a Christian girl had been found murdered.
Fearing retaliation, the Jewish community gathered in the shul to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under the circumstances.
Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the president of the synagogue, out of breath and all excited. “Brothers,” he cried out, “I have wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!”
Shapiro visits a kosher restaurant in New York, and to his great surprise, the Mexican waiter addresses him in Yiddish.
On the way out, as he is paying the check, he says to the proprietor, “You run a
nice restaurant. And a Mexican waiter who speaks Yiddish–what a wonderful
gimmick that is.”
“Not so loud,” says the proprietor. “He thinks we’re teaching him Mexican.”